Bus Love

A couple sat down on the bus next to me a few minutes ago, a teenage couple judging by their voices (I didn't look up). The only reason I was paying attention to them was because the girl's voice was rather penetrating, making it hard for me to read my book. But in the process of trying not to listen to them, I inevitably paid more attention, and so I heard quiet distinctly when the guy's voice shifted into a different, hushed tone, followed by a pause, sealed with a slurped kiss. Gross, I thought. I allowed myself a peripheral glance in their direction and saw him hovering over her, their noses almost brushing, lips flinching in and out with aborted puckerings. Ugh. I've never understood how people like this could share a love so passionate that they just can't resist expressing it that very second, in complete disregard for people around them. Not only do these displays feel inconsiderate and showy, they also strike me as rather insincere. I don't think it's possible to have true intimacy in the proximity of so many strangers, unless all one relies on for intimacy is skin on skin, fluid exchange, or some other lust.

I don't think there's anything wrong with lust, per se; in fact I think it's been somewhat demonized over the years, since in its extremes it often leads to perversion. To me lust seems a necessary precondition for romantic love, even if the physical attraction that results in lust has to grow over time, as it often does. Most attractions are, of course, purely superficial--reflexes triggered by a blunt desire to fuck. The exceptions are more interesting to me.

A girl named Shannon sits next to me in my history seminar, and I was in love with her from the first day of class. This was predicated on a physical attraction more akin to appreciation than strict desire. It was reinforced as she began to live up to the image of her I'd immediately formed: intelligent, friendly, funny, etc. I found out during the third meeting of this once-a-week seminar that she was married (internal monologue: "Aw, fuck!"), so I quickly relegated her to the growing file of girls I wish I would have met at some other time in their lives. Strangely, months later I find her more and more charming by the week, even absent the possibility of anything between us. Just today she flashed this impish little grin I'd never seen before, and I realized that more than wanting anything with her, I just want to meet a girl like her. The attraction feels very different, much more subdued and controllable, albeit still strong, than the one I observed on the bus. Shannon feels like the kind of girl I could fall in love with--the right combination of physical appeal and friend-like interaction. It's an attraction without desperation; I'm never frustrated that I can't have her. I enjoy that.