i'm so fucking mad i've just had the most infuriating two hours
first, i go to my english class, and i'm raising a counter-point to this guy mark's argument. this stupid fuck jacob in the back questions what i'm saying. i've read the book you're talking about, he says, and i still don't have any idea what you're talking about. so fucking blunt, and so fucking condescending. you stupid fucking son of a bitch, after all the dumb shit you've said throughout the year you have the fucking gall to sit up there and be rude to me. his rudeness threw me off, distracted me, so it was tough for me to even argue my point, not to mention i saw these girls a couple rows down react to him, although i think they were shocked at what he said. but for the rest of class i was pissed off at myself for not calling that dumb fucker out and i sat there steaming that i didn't fucking stand up for myself. he wouldn't have said that shit to any of the other guys in the class, i just fucking know it. but instead i just let my voice wobble before the rest of class got to pick apart my ineloquence.
then after class, i walk outside and there's julia, the girl that sits next to me, the girl i get along with real well, the girl i have a tiny crush on but she's got a boyfriend, the girl who always has to be some place so she bolts out of class, never waiting up after class to talk to me since we both walk in the same direction, there she is waiting for this other guy in our class so she can bullshit with him about easter. this same girl always jokingly bosses me around, and now i'm fucking sick of that too. i'm sick of giving a shit what these fucking little girls think and i'm fucking tired of them acting like they can tell me what to do, like they get some kind of kick by making me do whatever they want. i'm tired of them talking me into fucking them and then never fucking calling me back, mocking me, "i took your flower, i took your flower." i can't stand feeling like all girls who act interested in me want is someone to use. only julie, thank you julie, didn't make me feel that way. every other girl was just using me for something she needed, like she didn't give a fuck about, didn't actually want me for anything. and i'm fucking sick of feeling rejected, i'm sick of being so fucking spineless, i'm sick of caring what these people think of me or letting it tear down my confidence that i can't seem to inspire the same kind of desire in them they all seem capable of conjuring in me.
then i open up the daily texan (because julia told me to read the editorial!) and read some really, really ignorant shit on it's opinion page. this is a fucking publication that won't publish even my little firing line, just 250 words i took the time to try to carefully and logically craft. no, no they'd rather print this extremist bullshit. fuck them. i'm tired of having to beg for anything i want in life, to cuddle up next to whoever will have me, to make them happy while demanding nothing for myself, i just want the fucking ability, confidence, whatever to actively get what i want in life. i'm fucking sick of being walked on.