He speaks so well, he's so well spoken

While musing over just how fucked up I got last night, I vaguely remembered the last time I was so drunk: Monday night. I was never one for drunken phone calls—Adam somehow (You know this, never trust drunken Adam.) talked me into the only one I ever made—so I was always pretty loyal to the drunken email, of which I was a professional. But on Monday, I graduated to a new high/low and left two drunken testimonials on Friendster. Wasted and I wanted the whole hipster world to know it, I suppose. Anyways, I'll reproduce them here.

My first one went to Noreen. Notice how alert I seem, given how drunk I was.

Okay, so after my last totally lame testimonial, I knew I'd been owing Nor a new one for a long time, ya. Anyhoo, my ass is too drunk right now and my right eye itches too much because I petted our stray cat, Galactus, and then scratched my right eye and I'm a wee bit allergic to cats, so it seems. So yes, Noreen. She lived around the corner from me and made the iciest, smoothest Mudslides one could imagine. Then I fuckin took off because her friend was not down for the pound, if you know what I'm saying. All I'm saying is, Pakistanis do it all . . . uh, better than white folk. ? Jesus, I'm not even making sense and my eye is seriously burning like I just dropped a little jalapeno juice into the tear duct. Oh god, what the, fuck. Fuck. Noreen. Seriously. Come hang out. When I'm not drunk. Or when I am. Who fucking cares. Word to the world.

Mm-hmm. The second one went to Seemay. Notice the point at which my body gives in to exhaustion.

Seemay, I'm a raging alcoholic and drunk to boot. Why you hang out with me is a quandry unto itself. Man, everyone, Seemay took her friend Aly out for her 21st birthday recently, and my dumb ass was too stupid to not meet up with them. Seriously, I spent the whole night talking to a Republican, not that there's anything wrong with that. But in all honesty, I don't know what I was doing, just as tonight I'm too drunk to be a judge of anymoral compasss. What? Oh my god, someone hel [ me, I"m the post pathetic individual ont ehatat aplant et earth.

Apparently I was in something of a global mindset that night, which is perhaps why I opted for the testimonial over the email. I'm probably most proud that, true to copy editor form, there was only one typo (quandry) before the point of no return.