Another night at the movies
After a little dinner party down the street — nothing like getting drunk with your friends' parents in front of your own parents — we decided to make it three movies in two nights. It's like high school all over again.
Tonight we saw Jessica Alba in Honey, a period piece about today's urban hip hop culture, replete with costumes and odd dialogue. It was, of course, great. I learned a lot this evening: Jessica Alba is hot; Jessica Alba is hotter when she dances; I love Jessica Alba; Jessica Alba should probably bear my children; she seems like a really nice girl; really; I hope she's smart; dancing keeps Lil' Romeo out of prison; Jessica Alba is a "biter" because she stole the "shake them haters off" move from Lil' Romeo, even though he obviously bit it from someone else; one can choreograph dance videos by biting everyday actions found on "the street," like basketball and double-dutch; I too can dance as long as I pretend I'm playing basketball in rhythm; Jessica Alba apparently likes tall black guys; who doesn't?; fuck; crackers who direct hip hop music videos just like to get their Strom on in the bedroom; never go see a movie about black people written by white people; kind hearts are always rewarded with lots of money; and, most importantly, "Every guy's a director when he wants some booty!" I give it four jalapenos.
I feel goofy saying this, but I have a bigger crush on Jessica Alba than I've had on a real girl in months. I daydream about her. Of Hollywood's many hunnies, she's the only one (well, Natalie Portman a little, too). Remember that girl in your Reading class who sat about three rows over, the one you'd sit around thinking about, coming up with absurd ways you could run into her outside of school and manage to charm her into your pimply graces? I do that with Jessica Alba. I've half-jokingly talked to one of the entertainment editors at the Texan about getting me an interview with her. Thus we have the fantasy big bang. Perhaps I get this interview when she's swinging through town promoting whatever. I meet with her, set her at ease with my relaxed confidence, endear her to me with my casual yet intriguing wit and boyish yet rugged good looks (and I'll wear boots to look tall), and then I'll become her guide around Austin through the bar scene, the club scene, the restaurant scene, and the gratuitous sex scene. I'm not asking for much, just a one-night stand. And maybe we could exchange emails from time to time or something. See each other whenever we're in the same area. Maybe hook up if neither of us have anything going at the time. You know, small stuff, hardly outlandish.
Yeah, so, I've obviously made a lot of progress since middle school. Then again, maybe, just maybe, who knows, maybe when Jessica swings through the ATX, I'll find out she really is the smart, funny girl of my dreams. Then I'll take her to Platinum X and show her my cross-over dribble while she rubs her honey all over me.
After a little dinner party down the street — nothing like getting drunk with your friends' parents in front of your own parents — we decided to make it three movies in two nights. It's like high school all over again.
Tonight we saw Jessica Alba in Honey, a period piece about today's urban hip hop culture, replete with costumes and odd dialogue. It was, of course, great. I learned a lot this evening: Jessica Alba is hot; Jessica Alba is hotter when she dances; I love Jessica Alba; Jessica Alba should probably bear my children; she seems like a really nice girl; really; I hope she's smart; dancing keeps Lil' Romeo out of prison; Jessica Alba is a "biter" because she stole the "shake them haters off" move from Lil' Romeo, even though he obviously bit it from someone else; one can choreograph dance videos by biting everyday actions found on "the street," like basketball and double-dutch; I too can dance as long as I pretend I'm playing basketball in rhythm; Jessica Alba apparently likes tall black guys; who doesn't?; fuck; crackers who direct hip hop music videos just like to get their Strom on in the bedroom; never go see a movie about black people written by white people; kind hearts are always rewarded with lots of money; and, most importantly, "Every guy's a director when he wants some booty!" I give it four jalapenos.
I feel goofy saying this, but I have a bigger crush on Jessica Alba than I've had on a real girl in months. I daydream about her. Of Hollywood's many hunnies, she's the only one (well, Natalie Portman a little, too). Remember that girl in your Reading class who sat about three rows over, the one you'd sit around thinking about, coming up with absurd ways you could run into her outside of school and manage to charm her into your pimply graces? I do that with Jessica Alba. I've half-jokingly talked to one of the entertainment editors at the Texan about getting me an interview with her. Thus we have the fantasy big bang. Perhaps I get this interview when she's swinging through town promoting whatever. I meet with her, set her at ease with my relaxed confidence, endear her to me with my casual yet intriguing wit and boyish yet rugged good looks (and I'll wear boots to look tall), and then I'll become her guide around Austin through the bar scene, the club scene, the restaurant scene, and the gratuitous sex scene. I'm not asking for much, just a one-night stand. And maybe we could exchange emails from time to time or something. See each other whenever we're in the same area. Maybe hook up if neither of us have anything going at the time. You know, small stuff, hardly outlandish.
Yeah, so, I've obviously made a lot of progress since middle school. Then again, maybe, just maybe, who knows, maybe when Jessica swings through the ATX, I'll find out she really is the smart, funny girl of my dreams. Then I'll take her to Platinum X and show her my cross-over dribble while she rubs her honey all over me.
posted by Matt at 2:22 AM
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