Draft queries and other “highlights” of me and Kevin sitting around
Most of you are probably tired of hearing me blather on about basketball, and I know that this idea is patently unoriginal, but you're just going to have to deal. Sports is all I can manage to write about coherently late at night, and that's the only time I ever find opportunity to post.
Without further ado:
7.32 – Arrive home, sit on couch.
7.32.30 – Phrase “a lot of upside” makes it’s first appearance.
7.33 – Warriors select Andris Biendrins, the first Latvian ever taken in the draft.
Kevin: “Here comes an awkward interview from Stuart Scott.”
Scott: “Blah blah blah … You’re a banger … blah blah blah”
Biendrins: “I like play inside.”
7.35 – Comfy-chair reporter Kevin Ray announces that Tara Reid got a boob job. That’s a shame. Jessica Simpson, apparently, has also had quite a bit of work done. See www.badplastic.surgery.com and www.goodplasticsurgery.com, respectively (seriously).
7.40 – Stern announces the Mavs-D.C. trade that everyone already knew about. The draft-room crowd, which seems full of raging malcontents, gets excited for a brief instant before returning to eternal exasperation.
Hmm … Harris to Dallas. No more Nash?
7.40.30 – What the fuck? The Sonic just took a white high schooler. Jesus, apparently, they took him with no face-to-face contact. They took a chance on a 7-foot, high school white boy?
Kevin, paraphrasing Jay Bilas: “Despite all evidence to the contrary, this is a great pick.”
7.44 – Steven Smith just said the Mavs are probably going to lose Nash to Phoenix in free agency. That seems even more improbable than the Sonics' last pick.
7.47 – Ah, now Smith’s making sense: Jameer Nelson should’ve been taken before high school point guard Sebastian Telfair. Kevin says Smith has just damned Nelson to NBA failure with his endorsement.
7.48 – Interview with the Magic’s GM about drafting Howard over Okafor.
Two questions: When was the last time a team won the championship without a dominant defensive inside presence? And where did KG end up again this year?
7.50 – Utah selects a goofy looking white dude from Minnesota in an effort, I guess, to foster team aesthetic unity.
Kevin: “It’s kinda cool to see these announcers not sucking off every draft pick. They’re kinda like, ‘Ehhh, this guy’s not that good.’”
Now the announcers are saying he’s got a rep as a selfish player. I believe the correct phrase is: “You’re a chucker, Costanza.”
Bilas: “If you can get him out from under his dad for a bit, you can make him a good player.” What is this, the CYO?
7.56 – The Celtics select … a high school forward … with Nelson still on the board. When was the last time the Celtics had a decent point guard to get Pierce the ball?
Oh, sweet, the ESPN analyst just said his stock has skyrocketed over the last two weeks. That always bodes well. Dick Vitale says it best: “Potential, potential, potential—give me a break!”
8.06 – Kevin, as the ESPN shows that painful close-up of Jameer and his 2-year-old still waiting in the pit: “Aw, Jameer. It’s like everybody’s rooting for him. (Hawks up on the board.) Pick Nelson, pleeeeaaase.” They don’t.
8.09 – Interview with Doc Rivers. The Celtics better be very careful right now. Ah, now it’s making sense: Boston’s got three picks in the first round. It’ll be the steal of the draft if Nelson slips to them.
8.12 – Hornets pick another high schooler. Kevin: “Fucking hell—seven!”
8.18 – Darrell Wright? Goddamnit, someone fucking draft Nelson.
8.20 – The Heat, a team that is ready to win now, takes a raw prep school kid who everyone agrees will need three to four years to develop.
Smith: “Now I know why so many executives are getting fired.” Amen.
8.23 – Holy shit, Denver just took Nelson! What? But they’ve already got two point guards? I apparently entered the draft during the Twilight Zone phase. All this applause for him from him hometown crowd is really nice, though.
His former coach: “But he’s going to win. You can be guaranteed he’s going to win.”
8.25 – An interview with Nelson. Man, he’s handling himself with class. His kid’s damn cute, too. Yeah, sweet, now he’s standing up for short guys. 5’11” – that a boy. I like this guy.
[As Kevin points out in comments, I somehow forgot to mention the revelation of the draft: At the end of this interview, Scott informed the nation that Nelson has eight tattoos, including "All eyes on me," a pitbull (or something), and "Only God can judge me now." Kevin and I both immediately ask, "He's got two Tupac quotes?" Hell, for all we know, he could have more. Just think of the possibilities. I'm not sure how I missed this; I think it might've happened concurrently with me finding an e-mail from a hot girl in my inbox. Oh, you think I'm joking.]
8.29 – Ha, another Utah pick, another white guy. Gotta keep the constituency happy, I guess. Podolovonov or whatever could be the next Greg Ostertag. [Or the bastard child of Shaun Bradley and Raef Lafraentz. – ed.]
8.35 – Aldridge just announced that Nelson will be traded, as he predicted on-air about five minutes ago. Turns out it’s to the Magic. D.A. basically got on T.V. just to say: “I totally called this shit.”
8.40 – I keep thinking they have a giant hammock hanging from the ceiling every time they show the draft pit.
8.55 – Two trades! Oh, my, the Mavs picked up the big-ass Russian? I have no idea who the players involved in the other trade are.
Kings take some kid from W. Virginia.
Bilas: “He reminds me a lot of Doug Christie with the way he looks and the way he plays.” Wow, that might be the coldest dis I’ve heard in years.
9.02 – L.A. drafts some kid named Sasha. Kevin and I think they drafted him purely for his L.A. looks.
9.05 – Spurs on the clock. I can’t wait to see who they’re about to trade this year. …
Baino Udray? Oh, Beno Udrih—from Tel Aviv? Hey, he’s a lefty, nice. Bilas just said he’d be a good back up for Tony Parker. I’m skeptical.
9.06 - Oh boy, Kobe rumors. Mark my words, whatever happens: Kobe won’t end up in S.A. Not that we wouldn’t take him, as much as I hate to admit it. The market’s just too small, and I get the feeling he doesn’t want to be second fiddle anymore. That was probably an obvious statement.
9.18 – I just realized that the number 1 overall pick has braces.
And on that note, Kevin can’t take all these youngins and Euros anymore. We’re off to MTV.
---
Post-draft follow up: Well, shit, I missed Royal getting drafted by the Hawks (2nd round, 38th overall pick). I’m really curious what the announcers had to say about him. Regardless, this is outstanding. Bring back the floor-slappin’ D—I love it. Who’s gonna be the first Hancock Balla to get a Hawks jersey?
The Spurs went on to draft that kid from Xavier who came over from Africa. Thankfully, he’ll never make the team, and we’ll never be subjected to those torturous shots of his host mother looking anxious in the crowd that we saw all through the NCAAs. In other news, we also drafted a giant Russian. Rasho better watch his back!
One final piece of trivia: The guy the Spurs took in the first round, who’s expected to be Parker’s back up next year, is actually older than Tony. And Bean-o, or whatever, is only 22. All I’m saying is that if I have to justify to one more freaking person why we never, ever let go of 21-year-old, already-got-a-ring Tony Fucking Parker to one more damn person who says that Parker is the reason the Spurs didn’t make the Finals, well, then, fuck, I’m just gonna have to do it. Why does no one ever talk about his upside?
Most of you are probably tired of hearing me blather on about basketball, and I know that this idea is patently unoriginal, but you're just going to have to deal. Sports is all I can manage to write about coherently late at night, and that's the only time I ever find opportunity to post.
Without further ado:
7.32 – Arrive home, sit on couch.
7.32.30 – Phrase “a lot of upside” makes it’s first appearance.
7.33 – Warriors select Andris Biendrins, the first Latvian ever taken in the draft.
Kevin: “Here comes an awkward interview from Stuart Scott.”
Scott: “Blah blah blah … You’re a banger … blah blah blah”
Biendrins: “I like play inside.”
7.35 – Comfy-chair reporter Kevin Ray announces that Tara Reid got a boob job. That’s a shame. Jessica Simpson, apparently, has also had quite a bit of work done. See www.badplastic.surgery.com and www.goodplasticsurgery.com, respectively (seriously).
7.40 – Stern announces the Mavs-D.C. trade that everyone already knew about. The draft-room crowd, which seems full of raging malcontents, gets excited for a brief instant before returning to eternal exasperation.
Hmm … Harris to Dallas. No more Nash?
7.40.30 – What the fuck? The Sonic just took a white high schooler. Jesus, apparently, they took him with no face-to-face contact. They took a chance on a 7-foot, high school white boy?
Kevin, paraphrasing Jay Bilas: “Despite all evidence to the contrary, this is a great pick.”
7.44 – Steven Smith just said the Mavs are probably going to lose Nash to Phoenix in free agency. That seems even more improbable than the Sonics' last pick.
7.47 – Ah, now Smith’s making sense: Jameer Nelson should’ve been taken before high school point guard Sebastian Telfair. Kevin says Smith has just damned Nelson to NBA failure with his endorsement.
7.48 – Interview with the Magic’s GM about drafting Howard over Okafor.
Two questions: When was the last time a team won the championship without a dominant defensive inside presence? And where did KG end up again this year?
7.50 – Utah selects a goofy looking white dude from Minnesota in an effort, I guess, to foster team aesthetic unity.
Kevin: “It’s kinda cool to see these announcers not sucking off every draft pick. They’re kinda like, ‘Ehhh, this guy’s not that good.’”
Now the announcers are saying he’s got a rep as a selfish player. I believe the correct phrase is: “You’re a chucker, Costanza.”
Bilas: “If you can get him out from under his dad for a bit, you can make him a good player.” What is this, the CYO?
7.56 – The Celtics select … a high school forward … with Nelson still on the board. When was the last time the Celtics had a decent point guard to get Pierce the ball?
Oh, sweet, the ESPN analyst just said his stock has skyrocketed over the last two weeks. That always bodes well. Dick Vitale says it best: “Potential, potential, potential—give me a break!”
8.06 – Kevin, as the ESPN shows that painful close-up of Jameer and his 2-year-old still waiting in the pit: “Aw, Jameer. It’s like everybody’s rooting for him. (Hawks up on the board.) Pick Nelson, pleeeeaaase.” They don’t.
8.09 – Interview with Doc Rivers. The Celtics better be very careful right now. Ah, now it’s making sense: Boston’s got three picks in the first round. It’ll be the steal of the draft if Nelson slips to them.
8.12 – Hornets pick another high schooler. Kevin: “Fucking hell—seven!”
8.18 – Darrell Wright? Goddamnit, someone fucking draft Nelson.
8.20 – The Heat, a team that is ready to win now, takes a raw prep school kid who everyone agrees will need three to four years to develop.
Smith: “Now I know why so many executives are getting fired.” Amen.
8.23 – Holy shit, Denver just took Nelson! What? But they’ve already got two point guards? I apparently entered the draft during the Twilight Zone phase. All this applause for him from him hometown crowd is really nice, though.
His former coach: “But he’s going to win. You can be guaranteed he’s going to win.”
8.25 – An interview with Nelson. Man, he’s handling himself with class. His kid’s damn cute, too. Yeah, sweet, now he’s standing up for short guys. 5’11” – that a boy. I like this guy.
[As Kevin points out in comments, I somehow forgot to mention the revelation of the draft: At the end of this interview, Scott informed the nation that Nelson has eight tattoos, including "All eyes on me," a pitbull (or something), and "Only God can judge me now." Kevin and I both immediately ask, "He's got two Tupac quotes?" Hell, for all we know, he could have more. Just think of the possibilities. I'm not sure how I missed this; I think it might've happened concurrently with me finding an e-mail from a hot girl in my inbox. Oh, you think I'm joking.]
8.29 – Ha, another Utah pick, another white guy. Gotta keep the constituency happy, I guess. Podolovonov or whatever could be the next Greg Ostertag. [Or the bastard child of Shaun Bradley and Raef Lafraentz. – ed.]
8.35 – Aldridge just announced that Nelson will be traded, as he predicted on-air about five minutes ago. Turns out it’s to the Magic. D.A. basically got on T.V. just to say: “I totally called this shit.”
8.40 – I keep thinking they have a giant hammock hanging from the ceiling every time they show the draft pit.
8.55 – Two trades! Oh, my, the Mavs picked up the big-ass Russian? I have no idea who the players involved in the other trade are.
Kings take some kid from W. Virginia.
Bilas: “He reminds me a lot of Doug Christie with the way he looks and the way he plays.” Wow, that might be the coldest dis I’ve heard in years.
9.02 – L.A. drafts some kid named Sasha. Kevin and I think they drafted him purely for his L.A. looks.
9.05 – Spurs on the clock. I can’t wait to see who they’re about to trade this year. …
Baino Udray? Oh, Beno Udrih—from Tel Aviv? Hey, he’s a lefty, nice. Bilas just said he’d be a good back up for Tony Parker. I’m skeptical.
9.06 - Oh boy, Kobe rumors. Mark my words, whatever happens: Kobe won’t end up in S.A. Not that we wouldn’t take him, as much as I hate to admit it. The market’s just too small, and I get the feeling he doesn’t want to be second fiddle anymore. That was probably an obvious statement.
9.18 – I just realized that the number 1 overall pick has braces.
And on that note, Kevin can’t take all these youngins and Euros anymore. We’re off to MTV.
---
Post-draft follow up: Well, shit, I missed Royal getting drafted by the Hawks (2nd round, 38th overall pick). I’m really curious what the announcers had to say about him. Regardless, this is outstanding. Bring back the floor-slappin’ D—I love it. Who’s gonna be the first Hancock Balla to get a Hawks jersey?
The Spurs went on to draft that kid from Xavier who came over from Africa. Thankfully, he’ll never make the team, and we’ll never be subjected to those torturous shots of his host mother looking anxious in the crowd that we saw all through the NCAAs. In other news, we also drafted a giant Russian. Rasho better watch his back!
One final piece of trivia: The guy the Spurs took in the first round, who’s expected to be Parker’s back up next year, is actually older than Tony. And Bean-o, or whatever, is only 22. All I’m saying is that if I have to justify to one more freaking person why we never, ever let go of 21-year-old, already-got-a-ring Tony Fucking Parker to one more damn person who says that Parker is the reason the Spurs didn’t make the Finals, well, then, fuck, I’m just gonna have to do it. Why does no one ever talk about his upside?
posted by Matt at 1:49 AM
|
<< Home